How to say no without feeling guilty can be a challenge.  However, the more honest you are, the more you will find yourself doing what you love, with people you love, in places you love.  With honest communication, you cleanse yourself by telling the truth- but make it the whole truth. The path to honesty turns inward before it leads outward. So being in touch with what you are really feeling is an important part of being able to truthfully set boundaries with others.

If you think that you could get a little closer to your authentic self, I suggest you start with a mental cleanse:  one day of total inner honesty.  Now, I don’t mean shouting from the rooftop “I hate this freaking job!” But what I am suggesting is that not being honest wreaks havoc with our mental and physical health and obscures our happiness. Do you honestly want to have dinner with that particular friend after accepting the invitation? Or is the “I’m sorry” you’re speaking out loud really a true apology- or white lie to smooth things over?

When we lie to fit in, or to get approval or to “cover up” for something (or someone), we might think all is well with the world- but, in the process, we lose our sense of being true to ourselves. Believing our own fibs (“Oh I’m fine!”  “Of course, I don’t mind!”  “Sure, I’d love to!”),  we gradually lose access to the deep truths that allow us to be and honor our authentic selves.

SELF-REFLECTION & HONESTY CHECK-IN

If this idea speaks to your soul, try out the following:

  1. Grab a timer, a pen and some paper or journal.
  2. Next, Set the timer to ring at a time when you can put aside what you are doing- whether it’s in 30 minutes or a couple of hours later.
  3. Then, at the top of your notebook page write: “AM I LIVING MY DEEPEST TRUTH RIGHT NOW?  Close the notebook…
  4. When the timer sounds at the hour you previously set, it’s time for an honesty check in.
  5. Open your notebook, reread the question, take a deep breath in-  Let the answer rise up … Exhale slowly. Whatever you were doing when the timer went off, wherever you were, whoever you were just with – do those choices feel perfectly honest? If you are not quite sure, don’t worry. Just asking and waiting will gradually reveal YOU to yourself. The truth isn’t something you think up, it’s something that arises by itself from deep within.
  6. Notice how you feel. Make note of your emotions. Do the quick, anxious responses from your mind differ from the peaceful knowing that wells up from your center?

When you try out the first few honesty check-ins, you may notice nothing at all. Or you may feel twinges of nerves or wisps of sadness come over you.  Ask  yourself, “What could this sensation be trying to tell me?”  If no answer arises, that’s okay. Just write ” I don’t know,” set the timer again and repeat.

CLARITY TAKES TIME

When a new truth comes up, it may be a simple yes or no, or a flood of realizations:  Maybe you don’t want to say no to your mother for fear of loosing her love. Or you hate the business meeting you have been asked to attend- but worry about how you’ll be perceived if you don’t go, or you really want to be seated outdoors for lunch with your partner rather than inside- but you don’t ask, so not to impose. Write down everything that comes to mind without judgement. If you DO find yourself engaging in pure authenticity, write about that joyful experience!  With each check-in, you will come closer to your real, moment-to-moment truth. Over time, when you become more aware of the ways you deceive (or honor) yourself, you may begin to make subtle (or not so subtle) behavioral shifts.

BREAKING THE CHAINS OF CODEPENDENCY

When you begin to choose authenticity by self-reflection more often, you learn how to honor your true self and your relationships with others with integrity and honesty. Unwanted relationships will wither and the better ones will deepen and blossom. Codependent behavior will feel really uncomfortable for you, and being able to say “no” comes much easier to express without the intense fear.

If this exercise seems too difficult, remember that it’s a practice- a conscious choice.   The famous author and speaker, Brene Brown said it best, “Authenticity is not something we do have or don’t have.  Authenticity is a collection of choices we make everyday. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”