Codependency creates the need for control.

Letting go of the need to control situations and people is a vital life lesson to learn. Relationships can greatly improve if one recognizes this unhealthy pattern of behavior. We all know people who can manipulate a conversation to “prove a point” or have unrealistic expectations when in relationships.

Examples of controlling individuals may be a boss who must have a hand in every detail of your work, or a parent fighting every battle for their child, or the in-law who dictates where and how the family gatherings will go every year. Controlling people may have good intentions, but their attitudes and behaviors can cause others to feel dismissed, angry and resentful. A breakdown in communication and intimacy usually will be the end result. If given a choice, we don’t usually want to be around individuals who try to control us and micromanage our lives.

Take the following quiz to see if others may be experiencing you as controlling by answering TRUE or FALSE:

  1. I know what’s best for others. They should listen to what I have to say. I am only trying to help._______
  2. I’d rather do things myself than rely on someone else._________
  3. I discourage others from expressing anger, fear or sadness._________
  4. I am easily irritated by other’s incompetence or rebelliousness.__________
  5. When in a relationship, I want to know where my partner is all the time._______
  6. I take it as disloyalty or personal rejection, when others act or feel differently than I do.______
  7. When people go against my suggestion, I tend to withdraw my affection._______
  8. When in the car with others, I feel uncomfortable unless I’m the driver._______

If your answer is TRUE for most statements, you may wish to explore codependency with a therapist. Most often FEAR is underlying these complicated thoughts and concerns. Learning how to manage fear in a positive way will be helpful. Anxiety is another underlying emotion that comes with our being alive. Throughout life, acknowledging our limited ability to change or fix what is beyond our control can be challenging. Learning tools to manage these emotions will help you to accept others- and yourself- with greater patience and ease. This will lead to better relationships, better health, better self-esteem...and less of a need to be in control.